What I should have told the stranger who disparaged my hijab

Please fix yourself, I was told. The draping fabric that hung loosely down from the lower part of my headscarf had very briefly slipped and a tiny fraction of skin was exposed. Nothing remotely immodest. Nothing deliberate.

I was in a hospital seeking emergency medical advice for my very young daughter while travelling in Beirut. I was upset. Instead of doing his job – to provide information and assistance for those who presented themselves as patients – the receptionist stopped mid-sentence and said sternly: "Please fix yourself." He waited till I had repositioned my scarf which had so offended him.

I was gobsmacked. Worried about getting medical help for my daughter, feeling too vulnerable to make a fuss in case she wouldn't be attended to, I moved passed it.

I should have said something, and in hindsight I have a thousand responses to a complete male stranger feeling entitled to comment on my appearance, withholding assistance until he deemed my appearance acceptable.

There's no argument to justify his statement. His job was to provide information, not comment on my appearance. I was seeking medical advice, not religious instruction. And the argument that his intention may have been good? There's no excuse to stop and command a woman – after all why was he looking anyway? It is never acceptable to command a stranger to fix herself.

This is not about religion. My headscarf is a prop in a bigger story that recurs across societies. It's about entitlement, vigilantism in enforcing one-sided codes of what makes a woman "acceptable" and shaming and punishing her if she doesn't conform.

Last month in the UK, a receptionist for a global accountancy firm was allegedly sent home for wearing flat shoes rather than high heels. She pointed out that flat shoes didn't impair her ability to carry out her job.

But the company dress code defined heels as "appropriate". She and I were both displeasing, and so, like me, she was told to fix herself because it seems our job as women is to satisfy the visual demands of others.

The Stop Telling Women to Smile campaign highlighted the constant demands on women to "smile" coming from strangers. Those demanding the smiles claim it is to make the women happier, or look prettier. But women have no duty to fix themselves. There is no right to demand, and women have no duty to respond.

Earlier this week, one of the EU's most senior lawyers issued an opinion that the company G4S was legitimate in asking a Muslim woman to remove her headscarf. Like the case of the high heels, her headscarf does not effect on her ability to do her job. But rather it contravenes ideas about how a woman should look, and which aesthetics are acceptable for women.

"Please fix yourself" is a refrain that I failed to address when it was presented to me, and one that I know many other women also find hard to confront. Too often it is so unexpected and at moments of vulnerability that it is hard to oppose; and justified as a form of "help".

Next time I'm asked to fix myself to conform to a stranger's sensibilities, I'll be standing up for myself, and telling him to fix his own sense of self-righteous entitlement.

Shelina Zahra Janmohamed is the author of Love in a Headscarf